(With apologies to Private Eye)
I have decided that our work to renew, and put the “Great” back into, Britain has been completed. I was humbled at the way in which the electorate took me to its heart by overwhelmingly rejecting me as Supreme Leader. At least I managed to get three years in power before allowing the British electorate to rubber stamp my appointment.
Therefore I felt that this was the right time to handover the position to someone younger, and far less capable than I, to lead the country towards utter devistation and penury. It is therefore with great happiness that I handover the country, in a much worse state than I received it, and look forward to seeing the Cameron-Letwin-Orsbornist claque, with their new poodle Clegg the lick spittle, fail miserablly.
To those of you who failed to support me during the recent plebiscite I leave you with these thoughts….
You’ll be sorry, you ungrateful, untrusting turncoats. In the words of General Douglas MacArthur Park (who left his cake out in the rain) “I will not return”, no matter how much you beg. I was your last, best hope of steering the country back to the future and healing the wounds that I had created.
I have to thank so many people for everything that I achieved without their help. To former Comrade Bliar, who kept me out of office for so long and then left me with the mess that I had created. To my friends at Goldman Sachs, and others in the City, who did so much to bring about the financial collapse by allowing me to not regulate them properly.
To former Comrades Clark, Hewitt and Hoon who stabbed me in the back, front and sides. To Comrade Mandelbrott who helped us to achieve so much in our election campaign and allowed me to completely ruin everything by meeting that awful woman in Rochdale and encouraging me to take part in my highly successful appearances on the Leaders debate, where I won every debate by agreeing with Nick.
So I leave you to fend without my guiding hand, manipulating your lives. I leave you with the thought that I did more than anyother leader to bring government into the centre of your lives. Without my paranoia you would not have so many CCTV cameras, stop and search powers, intrusion and control over your lives.
You have now got what you deserve.
A word from Comrade Mandelbrott…. You’ll suffer for this. He may have been a useless, bullying, arrogant, incompetent, loose lipped idiot but he was the best puppet that I was able to control at this time. Remember that I know where all you traitors live!!!! I will be back to control the new Party Leader and will have my revenge.